Becoming A Dad Freaked Me Out
For a lot of new dads, a baby at home is a beautiful joyous thing. But for some dads, it’s a total whirlwind. For me, it was a wakeup call.
My wife and I enjoyed partying together when we were dating. We used to go out drinking for happy hour, and would have drinks at home. We liked to go see live music, and party there too. But when she got pregnant, she was committed 100% to being sober. But as the Dad, it didn’t seem like it mattered whether or not I was sober, since I wasn’t the one growing the baby. I wasn’t partying like I did with my wife pre-pregnancy. But I was going out with my buddies every so often to let loose and blow off some steam.
So I gotta admit, I was a little freaked out about becoming a Dad. I didn’t come from a loving family whose parents stayed together. My parents fought a lot until they split when I was 4 years old. My father immediately remarried, and my mother whisked my sister and I across the country back to her home state.
I didn’t see my father for almost 3 years, and then I began seeing him for a few weeks every summer. It was awkward. I never had a strong father figure in my life. Which scared the crap out of me. Would I screw up too? Was I destined to repeat the same mistakes that my father had? How would I know what to do to be a good father?
These questions were centered around the emotion of fear. I was fearful of screwing up. I didn’t want to, but I was afraid I would. Fear is a very primitive emotion. But it inevitably led to my anxiety. Anxiety around being a Dad.
You never would have known I had anxiety. If you met me, you would never guess. I love telling stories, I like to carry a room. I like all eyes on me. But there it was, something creeping in the back of my mind. Some doubts. I wouldn’t have even recognized it as anxiety if I didn’t explore consciousness. I like to go deep into the psyche and poke around.
And what did I do to alleviate my anxiety? I did what a lot of Dads do. I drank with my buddies. I’d get together with my buddies to blow off steam. Which inevitably created friction in my relationship. We’d be talking about how no matter what we did our wives were pissed off at us. Our conclusion? Might as well just have fun because we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t.
I tried to stay home and help out. But honestly, my son was not an easy baby. I want to be clear, I love every single thing about him, including how hard he was as a baby. There was nothing boring about him. Every baby has their own idiosyncrasies, but I’m telling you, mine was a handful. If he was pissed, he would let you know. He kept us on our toes.
Through it all, there were many sleepless nights. I remember many many many nights, literally awake at 3 AM walking him in the stroller to Filiberto's for tacos because going outside was the only thing that would calm him down.
I was working full time in my residency. Residencies are not easy. I would come home, completely drained, and my wife needed immediate relief from a crying baby. I would do my best to take over. But honestly, there was little I could do that first year. I could help out briefly. But he didn’t want me. He had little interest in me. It sucked. I wanted to be there, but I didn’t know how. When I was Dad-ing, our son was screaming. His screaming made my wife take over. I felt worthless as a Dad.
My anxiety grew. I immersed myself in my career, and excelled with treating mental health in other people. All the while, I was ignoring the fact that I had Paternal Postpartum Anxiety! Funny how that works. Here I am, helping people with very real mental health issues, and I’m suffering from my own!
Fast forward to around the time that my son was one-and-a-half. It was like the shades drew overnight, and he all of a sudden realized I was there. He thought I was awesome. He thought I was Superman. He wanted to play with me. He wanted to rough-house with me. It was so cool!
I couldn’t just get rid of my anxiety though. I still had a lot of qualms around parenting. I had a hard time being present with my son. I would constantly be thinking about work, or what I had to do at home. So I started treatment!
Throughout my treatment, there have been three things that have kept me going. First is the fact that I want my son to come from a loving home. I want more than anything for him to have the best possible start at life. Whatever I can do, whatever tools I can provide for him, whatever lessons I can teach him, I want to do that.
My second tool was the right homeopathic prescription. Homeopathic remedies can fit like a glove. My anxiety began to melt away. I had the right fit for a remedy that treated both my mind and body. My anxiety lessened. And continued to lessen.
My last tool is self-care. Self care looks really different for me than it might for you. I’ll talk more about that in a future post. But let’s just say, that my self care is uniquely mine. And it makes me feel incredible.
I'm still working on myself, and I’ll share more about my story as I continue. I’m doing a heck of a lot better than I was a year ago, and in the future I’ll share the nitty gritty and you’ll totally get it. The universe didn’t give me a completely anxiety free life. But it did bless me with an incredible son. Walking that line between the shadows and the light has allowed me to come out stronger than before. I like to dig deep into the depths of consciousness, and learn about both the light and the dark. Integrating the two sides of the same coin is what it’s all about.